Maybe

I want to start this post with a blessing report. God is always blessing my life and sometimes I forget to share the specifics.

So, it is tax season. I was a little nervous to do our taxes because, well, we both claimed a lot of allowances last year when filing. Tim had lost his job. Somehow, I was afraid we might owe. We have money in savings, but I hate chipping away at it. Tim sat down one evening with our good friend TurboTax and got to work. He called me in a few times to find certain papers or answer questions and I was nervous. He wasn't, though. TurboTax gives you an estimate of your refund/what you owe as you are going and ours looked...very green.

It turns out, we are technically at the poverty line, for a family of four. We certainly don't feel like we are living in poverty, considering we have a nice warm home, food in the kitchen, clothes on our backs, an income, and cars to drive. But I guess according to the government, we be po'. So we were given several credits based on our income, the fact we have kids, and more. The result was a very large amount of green coming to us, to the tune of more than a couple months' salary.

So are you saying WOW they are poor! or WOW that's a lot of money!? The way I see it, we are far from poor. Not only do we have the amenities I mentioned above, but we also have friends and family to love, plenty of time to spend with them, good health, and the ability to bless others. We've been sponsoring a little girl in Costa Rica and just added a little boy from Bangladesh to our global family as well. We are richly blessed. But yes, that WAS a lot of money.

And with that money, we will be able to give more, perhaps by sponsoring an additional child (Check out www.worldvision.org if you want to learn more!) or by loaning money to small scale entrepreneurs in Africa (visit www.kiva.org) or maybe to SafeHome, a local women's shelter, or DonorsChoose, a website that allows investment in classrooms nationwide. I am blessed, so I bless others. With the money we will also be able to purchase some homeschooling curriculum for the girls, pay for activities they might like to try (gymnastics and ballet have been voted for) and save, save, save for the next rainy day.

Frankly, God has provided for us financially in very obvious ways recently, and to me, this is another example of that. I was afraid we'd have to pay and that the kids wouldn't be able to try any sports and that we'd have to dip into savings to fix the lock on the car and the trunk on the van. Petty things, really. There is food on the table and the cars go, after all. But God is providing for a little more, perhaps because we've been giving a little more. It's hard to make sense of it all, but I just want you to know that I have taken a leap of faith by giving more and have been wholly blessed in return.



So, the Maybe. I have two mostly sweet little girls who are 5 and 2 1/2. 2 1/2, to some, means terrible twos and frustration. But I love age 2. To me, it means Almost Human. The kid can feed herself, speak English better than I could speak Spanish after 4 years of it, and entertain herself. She sleeps in a "bed" now, which just means that we took some of the bars off her cage, I mean, crib. I am sincerely hoping she will be potty trained any time now. She's pooped in there a few times and claims that means she is potty trained...but I'm not buying it.

Anywho, my baby is no longer a baby. Which to me, is a cause for CELEBRATION! I get 8 hours of sleep every night, can go to the gym in the evenings, and the kids are starting to entertain each other to the point that I probably need a hobby. Great news!

The question is...should we have another baby?

In the not-so-distant past, the Maybe would have been a Hell No. I don't like babies. They are so needy, and they are in your personal space all the time, crying when you are trying to watch Breaking Bad and staying up all night like teenagers. They need to be carried from place to place. And this Maybe would complicate things. We were planning to move the kids into the same room so we could have a playroom, aka a place to dump their crap. A Maybe would need to sleep in the playroom. Our kitchen table fits four people the way it is configured. I guess the Maybe could eat in the living room.  I currently have two hands, one for each kid. I could try to sprout a third, but that sounds like it would take a lot of effort. I definitely need a hand for Lydia, so would that leave Lexi running free? Can she be trusted? If we had a Maybe, would I have any energy to do anything of value? I am so excited for Lydia to turn 3 and to start a little preschool with her this fall. I should be able to school them together. We could go places. It'd be neat. But a Maybe would have morning nap and afternoon nap and it would eat their toys and cry and sap the life out of me. Sounds awful.

Really, I don't want Maybe. I want No Thanks, I'm Good. But I keep feeling this little whisper, this little feeling. Maybe. What If. Is that you, God? Why would He want me to have a third kid? Just to stretch me out of my comfort zone? Because my life is getting too easy for once? Why? I want to just say Thanks For Thinking Of Me, But I'd Prefer Not To. But I also want to be an obedient child to my Heavenly Father. Because he has so richly blessed my life. A lot of things that didn't seem like a good idea in the past *cough*Lexi*cough* have turned out to be amazing blessings. God knows what he is doing. He has plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future, not to harm me.

So, God, what's the plan?

It's your move, I suppose. I will trust you. I will try to give it up to you the best I can.

I hate uncertainty.

Maybe.