The Conversation

If you had told me 10, 5, or even 2 years ago that we would be a homeschooling family, I would have laughed in your face and suggested that you were crazy. I guess that could be said about many of the circumstances that I've found myself in, to be honest. Nonetheless, here I am.

I've been asked several times why on Earth we would choose this lifestyle for our family. Some days, I'm the one doing the asking. I thought it might be helpful to recall how and why we intentionally went off the beaten path. It all started with a conversation.

About two years ago, my good friend invited the kids and I over for lunch. It was one of those great situations where the kids entertained themselves leaving my friend and I free to have a (mostly) uninterrupted conversation. Out of the blue, she asked me if I thought it would be crazy for her to homeschool her eldest daughter. I was surprised to hear this and asked her why she was considering that route. Her daughter was two grades ahead of Lexi and attending the elementary school we were zoned for. I was curious to hear why she might be dissatisfied. Safety was her primary issue at that time. She'd seen some things happening in her daughter's kindergarten classroom that made her uneasy. On more than one occasion, kids had been left unattended. Outside. Without the teacher knowing it, somehow. I listened and considered that, as well as the other points she was made. Then I told her that I really didn't think it was that crazy.

Even a year earlier, I probably would have told her she was nuts. I don't even think I would have sugarcoated it, she's that kind of friend. I couldn't understand why anyone would think homeschooling was a great idea. I mean, how would your kid learn all that stuff you weren't qualified to teach? How would your kid learn to behave like a normal human being? (I'd encountered some stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb awkward homeschoolers) And why would you want your poor child to be lonely and isolated? I'd learned a bit about virtual schooling during my time in the Education program at KU and I just didn't get why someone would choose that for their child. Maybe if your kid was an actor or something and you needed the flexibility. Or if they had some terrible illness that kept them out of school. Other than extreme circumstances, it seemed crazy. With the exception of discussing with my School of Ed colleagues that I thought virtual schooling was wacky, I didn't give it much more than a passing thought. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Then I became a mom. I had my own monkeys to be concerned about, and I was running the circus.

Tim and I had actually discussed our kids' schooling at length before. We both attended private, Catholic schools from preschool through high school. We knew that our children wouldn't be following in our footsteps in that regard. For one, we didn't have the money. For another, we'd left the Catholic church and had no interest in returning. We'd talked about maybe sending the girls to a private high school since we felt those were the most crucial years. Or at least the years when public school seemed scariest, what with the pressure of peers potentially luring our little angels toward drugs, alcohol and other unwholesome activities. If our kids ran into a snag in school that couldn't be resolved, I could just pull them out and homeschool them for a bit then send them back. I was qualified. I had a Master's degree in Education after all. I'd never considered homeschooling as a viable long term option before though. The fact that a dear trusted friend of mine with a child attending my child's future school was considering homeschooling struck a nerve with me. It hit a little too close to home. If she was concerned, maybe I should be concerned.I realized I should, at the very least, be aware. Maybe it was time to learn more about my options.

I left my friend's house that day with my gears turning. Homeschooling. What was that all about?

I did what I always do when I need to know more about something. I bought a book, and I spent a ridiculous amount of time Googling. What I discovered is what ultimately led us to where we are today.

It's funny how one conversation can change everything.

I've (Not So Much) Got A Dream

So, do you have a dream?

The concept of having (and fulfilling) lifelong dreams has been running rampant through my life lately. I've been reading a book called The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst, an author I enjoy, and one chapter discussed the idea of setting aside specific time to work on or take steps toward fulfilling your dream. The author shared how before she wrote her first book, she struggled with finding time to write. Then she decided to actually schedule time each week to write, and stuck to it, and now she's written like 14 books or something.

Free time to work on fulfilling my dream isn't my problem. I took a quiz on her website, a Time Assessment Tool, to figure out how much time I spend doing different tasks and how much free time I actually have each week. Short answer: I have quite a bit. Good for me!

The problem is...I don't really have a dream.

I used to have dreams, or ambitions. When I was younger, I wanted to write a book. It was a goal of mine to complete a novel of at least 100 pages in length. 99 pages would not have been acceptable. As a kid, I was constantly making up stories. But I never got more than a few pages in before I moved on to something else.  When I got to high school, I realized that along with writing, I also really loved editing. I loved wielding a red pen and marking up someone else's work, in hopes of making great improvements. I decided I wanted to become a high school English teacher, mostly so I could red pen a bunch of mediocre papers to death. I decided to pursue a future in Education.

 A couple weeks before my application to KU's Education program was due, I realized that I loved English, as in grammar and writing, but not so much literature, as in Classics and Shakespeare. I found that boring. So I decided to apply to the Elementary Education program instead, because kids are funny and the idea of teaching a little of everything sounded great.

I completed two Education degrees and realized I wanted to stay home with my child, and have another child. So I did. And then I decided that starting a teaching career with a new baby seemed like a recipe for disaster, so I stayed home some more. I started thinking that once the kids got older, I'd find a teaching job. But then I realized that teaching is one of those jobs that you always take home with you, if you want to do it well. I struggled with the idea that I would be able to give enough of myself to both my students and my own children- as well as that guy I married. I thought maybe I'd just not think about it for a while.

Anywho, now I am pretty much getting the best of both worlds. I'm home with my kids each day and I am teaching them. Homeschooling became the solution to that problem, as well as others. We're enjoying it. Lexi is learning to read and do math, Lydia is working on numbers and letters. I'm learning too. Homeschooling is an efficient process, it only takes a couple of hours, tops, each day. We have park days and play dates and acting class and pottery and ballet and MOPS and other commitments too, so our days are usually full.

But I've still got time to spend. Time that I suppose I could use to work toward my dream.

But what IS my dream?

I've got a great family, friends I love, and I am enjoying the flexibility that homeschooling allows. Is that my dream? Am I already fulfilling it? I sit down each week and plan the following week. I research books, curricula, activities and more to find the best fit for my kids. I post on a Facebook group and look at ideas on Pinterest. I sit at a round table a lot. I do love homeschooling. I love teaching my girls. I get excited when Lexi reads to me, or when I see Lydia designing a craft with her big imagination. I guess I AM living my dream, without even realizing it. Wow.

 This drawer cart thing makes me happy.

 My very own plan book. I like writing things in little boxes.

I get to spend lots of time reading good books in this comfy chair.

So...is that it? Is that my dream?

Is that...enough?

Is that enough is closely related to "Am I enough?", which can be a slippery slope of a question. Sometimes, as humans, we struggle with the idea that we are good enough, or that we are doing enough, or that we are worthwhile. I feel like society puts a lot of pressure on people to be a certain way, to do a certain number of things, to have things. This isn't always in line with God's desire for us. So, in response to this, I ask myself this question: Am I using the gifts and talents God has given me? 

I think I am, in some ways. I am using my love of teaching and my love for my children to guide them and educate them. I am trying to teach them to know God and to love others and to do good in this world. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I am intentionally doing something that society feels is unusual because I feel like that is what I am being called to do.

But I do have some extra time. So what can I do with my other gifts and talents? Who else out there needs me?

Well, my husband, for one. I'm the only wife he's got, so I should be sure I am focusing on loving him and showing him how important he is to me. God gave him to me, so I should probably pay attention to him every now and then.

I have other passions out there I might be able to share with the world. I love to write. So maybe I'll begin by using this blog as an outlet for writing. Maybe through my writing I can make a positive impact on the lives of others. Maybe I can encourage people somehow. I think I will use some of my free time to write.

I also love to sing. I'm not sure how I can use that talent. I'm not really sure if I'd even call it a talent ;) I might see if perhaps I can sing at church when they need an extra voice now and then. I think I would love to do that.

I hope that you have a passion or a dream in your life that you are able to explore. Perhaps you are already living your dream. Maybe you're aware of that, maybe you are not. Maybe you have some extra time with which to use your talents. Maybe you've got gifts you don't even know about yet. I hope you will take some time to reflect on this and see what you can do to use your gifts or live your dreams.

~~~~~~

Related Music:

From the movie Tangled - I've Got a Dream

How I Met Your....Friends and found my Purpose

Do you ever feel restless? I feel restless lately. I'm unsure what to do with myself. Nothing really sounds good, so I just end up in the basement watching reruns of Friends. I love that show, but there's got to be something more.

I've been binge-watching TV for the past few months during the kids' quiet time and at night after they are in bed. I started with How I Met Your Mother and then stumbled upon Friends for the first time in my life. Both are great shows that had me hooked and made me laugh. But the problem was that there were 9 seasons of HIMYM available on Netflix and I ended up purchasing all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD since that was the cheapest way to watch them all. That's a lot of TV. I'm not even a person who used to like TV. I didn't watch it much growing up. I guess I am making up for that now. I enjoyed both shows a lot because they were funny and I loved the relationships between the characters. I even wonder how the characters in the two shows would get along with each other. I mean Robin doesn't really like anyone so she probably wouldn't get along with Monica and Rachel, but I'm thinking Joey and maybe Chandler could fit in with Marshall and Ted. Maybe.

Am I sad for even entertaining these kinds of useless thoughts? Probably. Sometimes being a stay-at-home-mom is isolating. Homeschooling is a lot of fun but it means that my kids are with me always. I love them and I mostly view this as a positive, but it leaves less time for other relationships. So I guess part of me enjoyed these shows because, well, it might be nice to have a group of friends or coworkers or whoever to hang out with. Adults. Just being honest. I wouldn't change where I am in my life if I could, but that doesn't mean it's always cake.

Now I have watched all 236 episodes of Friends and all 208 episodes of HIMYM and I'm done. So what should I do with all the free time I now have? Probably NOT start watching a new show, unless it is brand new and only puts out one 24 minute episode per week. Cuz that's how little self control I have. By my calculations, I watched 444 episodes of TV between these two shows, which is about 185 hours of TV or 7 days.  An entire week of my life spent watching TV shows. Wow. In a very short period of time. So that's a lot of time invested in TV watching, which is funny and relaxing but not very worthwhile and certainly passive. Now that I'm done with them, what should I do with nap time? My evenings? I just don't know.

I already spend a great deal of time with my kids. We read together, learn together and talk together daily. I started a new Bible study and have been reading for about 30 minutes each day and going to class once per week. I guess I could clean the house more, but it'll just get messy again. Lately Tim has been busy watching the Royals or football or working out, so a lot of this time I have is alone time anyway. I've read some good books and done some sewing. What did I used to do before this TV laden phase of life? I guess I went to the gym sometimes. That sounds...yyyyeah.

I'm just not sure what I can do that would make a difference. I'm unsure about what I'm being called to do and where to focus my energy. I'm with the girls during the day, so I have to stick around the house while they are resting. Evenings are tricky, I'm usually booked til 8pm or so and I don't want to stay out too late. What kind of a difference can I make here, from my home? What can I do that is worthwhile? How can I reach out to others in a meaningful way? What am I passionate about? What am I good at? What is God calling me to do? These are questions I am working through right now. I love to write. I love to sing. I like to share about experiences in my life and what I have learned along the way. Honestly, I would love to hear about your experiences too, whether you have been through this before and how it turned out.

Somehow, I'm gonna find my purpose.

Songs related to this topic:

From a great musical with puppets called Avenue Q - Purpose
Matthew West - My Own Little World