It has been 9 months since I attended my first meeting of Celebrate Recovery, and I am not even sure where to start explaining the journey that I've been on and where it has taken me. Wow.
What should I tell you? What's important here?
I could tell you that through this group, my life has changed.
I could tell you that I have my anger under control now, and have found out that it was actually anxiety at the heart of everything.
I could tell you that I am a better mom than I've ever been before, and a better wife too.
I could tell you that I am a person filled with joy, hope, and peace. So much peace.
I could tell you that I have searched my soul, admitted my shortcomings, and am no longer ashamed to admit that I am less than perfect.
I could tell you that I have met the most amazing people, friends to walk the journey with.
I could tell you how I've been humbled, over and over.
I could tell you how I have delved into hurts from my past to uncover how they have shaped me and how I can give the hurts to Jesus for healing.
I could tell you about the amazing music at my group.
Or about the free pizza.
Or the fact that the group has changed into something even more amazing than it was before, a place for all people to move forward in their lives.
If you want to chat more about the group, please just let me know. I would love to share more with anyone who thinks they might like to take one step forward today.
The pastor of the group once spoke about how we can share our stories with others. He explained that we can't explain it all, we won't necessarily be able to outline, step by step, how we got from point A to point B. But we can say this: I don't know what it is, but I know that once I was blind, and now I can see.
So that's what I am going to say: I can't explain exactly how I was healed, or how I transformed from a struggling, anxious person into a peaceful person, or what all went down with that...but I do know that once I was blind, and now I can see. It's all because of Jesus. And whatever words I do say, will surely not be able to do that justice.
I just got back from a meeting of the group and celebrated that it has been 9 months since I surrendered to Jesus, 9 months since I last felt completely hopeless, 9 months since I first stepped out of the darkness and into the light. It may not sound like a big deal to you, but it is. For realz. When I first walked into this group, I felt completely hopeless, helpless, and that I was a bad person who was never going to be the person I'd always dreamed of becoming. I felt sad and alone. But all of that has changed! My life has changed completely over the past 9 months and I want to shout it from the roof tops! I celebrate that. Thank God I was able to put my pride and fear aside and take the first step toward becoming a better me.
So, 9 months. Pregnancy lasts nine months. It is sometimes painful, somewhat mysterious (just think about what's really going on in there...weird) and it takes time. Many pregnant women lose their patience and just want the baby to get the heck out! But, it takes time. It takes time for something so monumental to happen, for a glob of cells to turn into a tiny human. Really, how amazing is that process?
I suppose it is similar to recovery, really. It's part of God's plan. It takes time. It ain't always pretty. But God can take one thing, whether it be a blob of cells, or a broken person, and turn it into something brand new, a baby, or a brand new person. And I guess that's the best way I can describe what has happened to me. I was angry, overwhelmed and lost, and now I am joyful, peaceful and confident that God has a pretty sweet plan for my life. He transformed me. I was reborn, in a way. In order to do that, I had to realize that I couldn't fix myself, no matter how hard I tried. I had to be humble enough to say, yep, I need help. I can't do it anymore. I need help. I need something bigger. I need God. And then really, once I surrendered it all to Him, once I gave my life to Him and said, HERE! I can't do it any more, I am putting it in your hands! He said: finally! He knows the plans He has for me, plans for hope and a future. But I had to let go of being in control of everything and let Him do his work.
What does that mean? What does it mean to let God do his work? To me, it means getting out of the way. It means to read his word (aka the Bible) and to pray to him for guidance, and to let him direct my steps. Not myself. Not my family or my friends or society or peer pressure or the media (cuz they like doing that kind of thing I think?) but just Him. I just had to rest in Him. I had to stop comparing myself to others (and their Facebook selves) and I had to stop hearing the voices of people in my head judging me for the choices I made. I had to realize that I am worth dying for- Jesus died for me, knowing that I am a broken person, I'm imperfect, I have sinned and will sin again...but it doesn't matter, because he loves me anyway. Just the way I am. With unwashed hair, dust covering my living room, piles everywhere, and pizza for dinner AGAIN. He loves me JUST the way I am.
And he loves you too. Seriously. JUST the way you are. Even though you are not perfect. Even though you make mistakes. Even though you are hurting. You are loved by God. Right now, even if you don't understand what that means.
It's a really great feeling. I feel so free, so lighthearted, so peaceful. Troubles will continue to come my way, but God is there for me. Even when things don't go my way. Life will go on. Life here on earth is SO fleeting, so short. It doesn't matter that we don't have much money, or that my kid sometimes says bad words in front of old ladies, or that I forget things, or say the wrong words, or make mistakes. It won't matter any more, because this life is fleeting, and much better things are waiting for me on the other side.
So what I want to tell you is that if you are reading this, wishing something would change, worried about an aspect of your life, embarrassed of a secret, unable to stop a behavior, just struggling, I want you to know that there is hope for you too. I am a changed person today. You can be a changed person too. You just have to take one step forward.
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