Getting this party started...and stopped...and started

This is the final post in a series explaining how we began our homeschooling journey. For the conversation that started it all, click here. To read about socialization, click here. For individualization, click here.

For starters, this was going to be a Choose Your Own Adventure post. Exciting, huh? When I began writing this, I thought I might need to write two versions. The long version with greater details and specifics that might interest those who are homeschooling, considering it, or interested in specifics, and the short version, for everyone else. Then I realized that I don't even want to write the specifics. So I stopped. If you want to know more, just ask!

Flexibility is the theme of this post. This world needs more of it. The ability to change plans, to bend and adapt to different situations, to transition, even to crumple up your list of plans, toss them away and start over. Flexibility is a good life skill to have.

It's also one of my favorite perks of homeschooling. Not only does homeschooling allow for flexibility, it requires it. In order to best educate your child, you have to be flexible. Heck, isn't that true of all parenting? You have to roll with the punches to a degree. Or else you completely lose your mind.

So, first, the ways in which homeschooling has allowed us to be flexible. It's given us the gift of time, really.

Well, we don't have to wake up early. Which rocks. I don't have to set an alarm. I have Lydia. We can stay in our pajamas until we are ready to get out of them (sometimes we stay in them til right before Tim gets home from work, but don't tell him that) and we can take the morning slow if we want to. Some days we don't even eat breakfast until 9:30. There's less rush in our days because we don't have to drop off or pick up at certain times.

We can pursue other interests. I'm in two different moms' groups that meet in the morning. On those days, we don't do school until we get home. The girls go and play with kids their age while I go play with moms. We can also take classes that meet at different times of the day, rather than in the evening when everyone is cranky and tired.

We can travel. By the end of this year, we'll have gone on four different trips that would have required that the girls take time off school, had they been enrolled. Instead we've schooled on the go or just planned breaks around the times we've been gone. We've hit Colorado, Chicago and Omaha and are visiting Branson this weekend. I love traveling and I'm glad we get to do this. The girls have learned so much visiting other places.

Lydia and a Stegosaurus

We love jellyfish!

So many different kinds of butterflies

Petting and feeding sting rays!

We're spreading our schooling throughout the year. This past year, we did school through June, took July off, then got started again in August. We took days off here and there for travel and holidays and are taking most of December off of our "formal" schedule. I love how this has really taken the pressure off. We're in no rush to complete a certain amount of work by a certain time. We can slow down when we get confused or spend extra time on something interesting.

On that note, Lexi is working at her own pace. She just started a 2nd grade reading curriculum in October and is working in a 1st grade math book. Her fine motor skills are still at kindergarten level so we are developing her handwriting little by little from where she's at now. The science and social studies curricula we are using are able to be modified for different ages. Lydia's enjoying our Zoology course right now too. I appreciate that Lexi can just be herself and improve on all levels at her pace. School doesn't take very long each day, maybe an hour or so. Her lessons are short and we are done when we are done.

We love reading about animals and then visiting them at the zoo

Now, for the other side of flexibility.

After we decided to dive into the world of homeschooling, one of the first tasks ahead of me was to select a curriculum to use with Lexi. She was 4. She missed the kindergarten cutoff by a couple of months but was ready for more than what preschool was offering.

Now many moms told me that I didn't need one at her age, or that I should use free or cheap resources to teach her. Did I listen? Of course not. I heard about an awesome, expensive, literature-based curriculum.

So many wonderful, beautifully illustrated books...

It was beautiful. A giant box arrived on our doorstep full of gorgeous looking books. I couldn't wait to get started. We sat down to follow the schedule that came with it and realized...we didn't love it!

What to do? Should we power through?

I decided not to. We continued reading the story books that came with the curriculum for fun, along with the math work books, but luckily, one of Tim's homeschooling aunts had shared some of her favorite resources with us and we started using them. First up was Teach Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I realized that Lexi knew a lot of what the beginning lessons taught, so at the advice of another mom, we skipped ahead. This book actually taught Lexi how to READ! She and I were both amazed and excited at how quickly she began sounding out words and reading short books. It was very cool.

It ain't pretty, but it's effective!

It's exciting to read a whole book!

Then, she got bored. What to do? Was it okay to not finish ANOTHER piece of curriculum? Would I scar my child for life?

No, I decided. She was bored, so we moved on! I didn't want her to think that reading was boring. I wanted her to love it.

I found another reading curriculum that came with a placement test. It placed Lex about 3/4 of the way through the first book in the series. Geez, that seemed messy. But ok. We started there and finished the book. Then we started the next book. It had a bunch of boring review at the front, so guess what?

Lex enjoys placing the covers of books she's finished reading on this chart

WE SKIPPED IT!

Whaaaaat?!

Yep, we skipped it.

Know why? Because it was the right choice for my kid. I want her to love reading. Whatever skills she may have missed by moving on could always be taught later.

And thus, I learned what it means to be flexible. It means following your child's needs. Even if it means trying something and quitting it. Even if it means trying different things and quitting them. Even if it is messy. I learned that learning doesn't always fit into a nice, neat box. It won't always be a nice little list we can check things off of when we are done. Education isn't always something beautiful and orderly that can be measured. It's a lifelong process. It's going to jump around sometimes.

It's hard to be flexible, but I've learned that it is a life skill worth practicing. When I am flexible, there's less pressure on me and on my children. When I'm flexible, we can take advantage of cool opportunities that pop up randomly. When I'm flexible, my kids realize that learning isn't about sticking to a schedule, but discovering and enjoying this amazing world around us.

I want my kids to be passionate, lifelong learners. I want them to follow their interests and develop their passions. But I have to be flexible with them, because they are people and, frankly, people are a mess. We don't fit into neat little boxes either. It's going to take me some time to figure out what works best for my kids- how they learn, what they are good at, what they need extra practice with. And that's okay.

We've got time. 

The IEP

This post is part of a series about Our Homeschooling Journey. Click here for the conversation that started it all. Click here to read about the S word.

As Tim and I weighed the pros and cons of different educational options for our children, we talked a lot about the purpose of school and education in general and we shared about our personal experiences in school.

We graduated together but I got the fancy cords for doing my homework.

I was a goody-two-shoes straight-A student in high school, Tim was the kid who aced the tests but didn't turn in the homework. I diligently attended even the most boring of classes, Tim found himself skipping classes that weren't interesting or challenging him. We were two very different students. We still are two very different learners. Tim can read a book while watching TV or listening to music and comprehend all of the different stimuli. I need quiet to read and I still struggle sometimes to follow the plot of a complicated movie or TV show.

The truth is, all people are very different. We all come with our own unique abilities, interests, attitudes and needs. I think this is great. It'd be boring if we were all the same. We all have something different to contribute to the world and society needs a lot of different kinds of people to function.

At the time we were discussing homeschooling, Lexi was 4. She was a bright kid. She has always had a strong vocabulary and good communication skills. She had a killer memory (as her mom that can be a good/bad thing for me) and was naturally curious. She was interested in learning to read and enjoyed building things with blocks and creating art. She was one-of-a-kind in our eyes.

She loved drawing as soon as she learned to pick up a pen (with her left hand!)

Which is what made me a bit concerned about sending her to a classroom of 20-30 kids someday. I have a background in education and I understand how challenging it can be for a teacher to cater to the varying needs of so many students. I often saw the bright kids, and sometimes the average kids, get left behind.

Actually, I remember once exercise I did in one of my education courses at KU. We were given a roster of 30 make believe student profiles and had to pick which kids we'd most like to have in our imaginary classroom and which we would least like to have.

Can you guess which kids myself and my fellow future teachers did NOT want in our classrooms?

The gifted kids! I was really surprised at this result. We all chose the struggling kids to have in our classrooms over the children who needed an extra challenge. I know from experience that it can be difficult to come up with challenges for the bright kids in a class, especially when there are some kids struggling to stay caught up.

I remember one student that I student taught who had mediocre grades. He always finished his work quickly and then space off or messed around, sometimes distracting other kids. One day I called him over and asked if he was bored. Yes, he told me adamantly. I told him I would try to come up with something extra for him to do. He came to my desk daily from them on asking if I had something for him.

I don't know if Lexi is gifted. I don't really know what that even means. I know she is smart. I wonder how she would behave in a classroom if she finished all her work. Would she bother the other kids? Read the dictionary in class, like her dad once did? I can't say.

What I can say is that kids who are bored or not kept busy and challenged can begin to feel negatively about school in general. Being bored in school can lead to a disinterest in learning or a squashing of passion.

What is the point of school? To me, school is about education. Education is about learning. In my eyes, the goal of education is to develop knowledge and skills that enrich life and benefit the individual as well as others.

What's the best way to accomplish this kind of knowledge and skill development?

Well, that depends on the person. We're all individuals. What works for one person may not work for another.

In the education world, students who have special needs qualify for an IEP, or Individualized Education Program. Each child's IEP lays out needs, goals, accommodations that will be made for the child and a plan for helping them reach their goals. A team of teachers and staff members meet periodically to monitor how things are going.

I like the idea of the IEP. I think every kid should have one. Does that sound crazy?

I think it's crazy to assume that all the kids in a classroom are the same.

Each child has different abilities, needs, interests and even attention span and energy level that affect her ability to learn. So why not take these factors into consideration?

Well, in a classroom of 30 kids, it would be nearly impossible for one teacher to be able to teach each subject to fit each child's individual differences. That is asking a lot. There are a lot of wonderful teachers out there who do a great job teaching their students to the best of their abilities. Sadly, these teachers often have time constraints and limited budgets as well as mounting responsibilities (state testing, anyone?) that don't always make it possible for them to cater to each student's specific, individual needs.

But, I learned, there is another option.

Homeschooling.

As my child's mom, I am already familiar with many of her quirks. I am aware of her interests, abilities, and I've been taking care of her needs since she entered the world. I get that she is ready to go first thing in the morning but hits an afternoon slump- I do too. I know that she could listen to books for hours on end but that she tires quickly when she's writing.

At the time of this decision, Lexi was only 4. She already showed strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others. She was excited about learning. I didn't want that excitement to fizzle out.  I always knew I wanted to be the one to have the honor of teaching her to read. I got excited about the idea of being the one to teach her other things too. I could create a plan for her education based on her specific needs.

Once homeschooling got into my head, I knew I had to try it out. It seemed to fit. I could teach Lexi at her own pace, following her own interests, which would fulfill my desire to be home with my children yet also exercise my love for teaching. Win-Win.

So when Tim lost his job in the winter of 2013 and we legitimately could not afford preschool any longer, we decided to officially make the plunge into homeschooling.

What a wild ride it has been.

Lexi was very interested in gardening and chose to buy herself a tomato plant

Mushrooms were fascinating to learn about

She loved writing stories

There's nothing quite like dancing in the rain.

The S Word

This post is part of a series about Our Homeschooling Journey. Click here to read the first post. 

After some research, I realized there were some benefits to homeschooling I had never considered. Tim and I began discussing it as a viable option for our family. We weighed the pros and cons. The biggest issue we were concerned with was socialization. We soon discovered that this was one of the most talked about issues of homeschooling, not only for those who do homeschool their children, but also for those who do not. It's a hot topic, and for good reason. It's important.

Socialization. What does it mean to you? Merriam-Webster defines socialization as, "the process by which a human being beginning at infancy acquires the habits, beliefs, and accumulated knowledge of society through education and training for adult status." I also found, "to teach (someone) to behave in a way that is acceptable in society". 

In short, socialization refers to the ability to function in society. Okay. Everyone likes the idea of society having functional members. Our kids need to learn how to behave appropriately in a variety of social situations. They need to learn how to navigate and communicate within a variety of social contexts. Schools aim to teach children how to function in a classroom setting. To raise your hand when you want to speak, to get along with other kids your age, to do as you are told. Schools teach kids how to behave in school. If my kids don't go to school, they don't need to learn how to be in school, if that makes sense. (Side note: Yes, they will need to learn how to attend a college level course someday, but by that time, they'll have matured and will hopefully have learned how to listen respectfully to a speaker and participate in discussion from a variety of life situations. They'll already be using other educational skills like writing, note-taking and research in our courses at home.) 

There are actually some social skills I don't want my children to learn at school. I don't want them to learn to single out or pick on children who are different from them. I don't want them to feel pressured by peers to behave a certain way in order to be liked. I don't want them to feel that they have to be, do, or have certain things in order to be accepted by others. I don't want them to learn inappropriate words or values I don't agree with in a setting where I can't be there to explain what's going on or help them through. I want them to be themselves and I want them to love others for who they are. I want them to be kind, generous and honest.  I want them to know that people are more important than things. These are all skills and values that are important to me. I hope they will learn them watching Tim and I. 

When you breakdown the concept of socialization, it describes a lot of different skills used in a lot of different contexts. So what other social skills should my children learn? They need to learn how to respect others with their words and actions. They need to learn how to hold down a steady job some day which requires skills like timeliness, hard work, and organization. They'll need to manage money. I want my kids to speak confidently with others. I want them to go to the library and find a book without talking loudly on their cell phones. I want them to apologize when they do something wrong. I want them to find a job they love and move the hell out of my house. I want them to be people who can do life without constantly relying on others for their basic needs. I want them to become independent and capable members of society. 

I don't think they need to sit in a classroom for six or more hours per day to learn how to do these. I can teach them these skills as the situations present themselves. They can learn by doing.

 Tim and I decided that the aspect of socialization we were concerned with was our children making friends. Friends are important, and without school offering a variety of candidates, we'd have to be intentional about providing opportunities for our kids to get to know other children. We learned that there are many homeschooling families in our area that organize themselves in a variety of ways. I joined one Facebook group for homeschoolers in our area and was shocked to discover over 1,000 members and a variety of play dates, field trips, groups classes and get-togethers taking place all the time. Along with those homeschool-specific options, we planned to get our kids involved in sports, dance, art, acting, and whatever else they were interested. Sunday school and church activities as well as play dates with existing friends and neighbors were good opportunities to practice social skills.

Socialization didn't seem like a big concern anymore.  

Today, our kids are homeschooled and have friends. (It can be done!) Homeschooling has so far provided us with a variety of opportunities to practice what it means to be a functioning member of society and I'm sure new circumstances will present themselves as the kids grow. As of right now, we are out and about almost every day. We get together once or twice per week to play at a park or indoor gym with other homeschooling families for several hours. It's like one long recess where kids of all ages interact and have fun together. We still get together with Lexi's public school friends as well. We've tried out a book club and a Co-Op (A group of homeschooling parents who bring their kids together for learning activities). The girls come with me to two different moms groups and play with other kids while I hang out with other moms since I like having friends too. Lexi, at age 6, has tried pottery, dance, multiple acting classes, music, Awana, and more. There always seems to be something new and interesting to try. 

Honestly, the real problem with homeschooling and socialization is staying home long enough to get schoolwork done. 

The Conversation

If you had told me 10, 5, or even 2 years ago that we would be a homeschooling family, I would have laughed in your face and suggested that you were crazy. I guess that could be said about many of the circumstances that I've found myself in, to be honest. Nonetheless, here I am.

I've been asked several times why on Earth we would choose this lifestyle for our family. Some days, I'm the one doing the asking. I thought it might be helpful to recall how and why we intentionally went off the beaten path. It all started with a conversation.

About two years ago, my good friend invited the kids and I over for lunch. It was one of those great situations where the kids entertained themselves leaving my friend and I free to have a (mostly) uninterrupted conversation. Out of the blue, she asked me if I thought it would be crazy for her to homeschool her eldest daughter. I was surprised to hear this and asked her why she was considering that route. Her daughter was two grades ahead of Lexi and attending the elementary school we were zoned for. I was curious to hear why she might be dissatisfied. Safety was her primary issue at that time. She'd seen some things happening in her daughter's kindergarten classroom that made her uneasy. On more than one occasion, kids had been left unattended. Outside. Without the teacher knowing it, somehow. I listened and considered that, as well as the other points she was made. Then I told her that I really didn't think it was that crazy.

Even a year earlier, I probably would have told her she was nuts. I don't even think I would have sugarcoated it, she's that kind of friend. I couldn't understand why anyone would think homeschooling was a great idea. I mean, how would your kid learn all that stuff you weren't qualified to teach? How would your kid learn to behave like a normal human being? (I'd encountered some stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb awkward homeschoolers) And why would you want your poor child to be lonely and isolated? I'd learned a bit about virtual schooling during my time in the Education program at KU and I just didn't get why someone would choose that for their child. Maybe if your kid was an actor or something and you needed the flexibility. Or if they had some terrible illness that kept them out of school. Other than extreme circumstances, it seemed crazy. With the exception of discussing with my School of Ed colleagues that I thought virtual schooling was wacky, I didn't give it much more than a passing thought. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Then I became a mom. I had my own monkeys to be concerned about, and I was running the circus.

Tim and I had actually discussed our kids' schooling at length before. We both attended private, Catholic schools from preschool through high school. We knew that our children wouldn't be following in our footsteps in that regard. For one, we didn't have the money. For another, we'd left the Catholic church and had no interest in returning. We'd talked about maybe sending the girls to a private high school since we felt those were the most crucial years. Or at least the years when public school seemed scariest, what with the pressure of peers potentially luring our little angels toward drugs, alcohol and other unwholesome activities. If our kids ran into a snag in school that couldn't be resolved, I could just pull them out and homeschool them for a bit then send them back. I was qualified. I had a Master's degree in Education after all. I'd never considered homeschooling as a viable long term option before though. The fact that a dear trusted friend of mine with a child attending my child's future school was considering homeschooling struck a nerve with me. It hit a little too close to home. If she was concerned, maybe I should be concerned.I realized I should, at the very least, be aware. Maybe it was time to learn more about my options.

I left my friend's house that day with my gears turning. Homeschooling. What was that all about?

I did what I always do when I need to know more about something. I bought a book, and I spent a ridiculous amount of time Googling. What I discovered is what ultimately led us to where we are today.

It's funny how one conversation can change everything.

I've (Not So Much) Got A Dream

So, do you have a dream?

The concept of having (and fulfilling) lifelong dreams has been running rampant through my life lately. I've been reading a book called The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst, an author I enjoy, and one chapter discussed the idea of setting aside specific time to work on or take steps toward fulfilling your dream. The author shared how before she wrote her first book, she struggled with finding time to write. Then she decided to actually schedule time each week to write, and stuck to it, and now she's written like 14 books or something.

Free time to work on fulfilling my dream isn't my problem. I took a quiz on her website, a Time Assessment Tool, to figure out how much time I spend doing different tasks and how much free time I actually have each week. Short answer: I have quite a bit. Good for me!

The problem is...I don't really have a dream.

I used to have dreams, or ambitions. When I was younger, I wanted to write a book. It was a goal of mine to complete a novel of at least 100 pages in length. 99 pages would not have been acceptable. As a kid, I was constantly making up stories. But I never got more than a few pages in before I moved on to something else.  When I got to high school, I realized that along with writing, I also really loved editing. I loved wielding a red pen and marking up someone else's work, in hopes of making great improvements. I decided I wanted to become a high school English teacher, mostly so I could red pen a bunch of mediocre papers to death. I decided to pursue a future in Education.

 A couple weeks before my application to KU's Education program was due, I realized that I loved English, as in grammar and writing, but not so much literature, as in Classics and Shakespeare. I found that boring. So I decided to apply to the Elementary Education program instead, because kids are funny and the idea of teaching a little of everything sounded great.

I completed two Education degrees and realized I wanted to stay home with my child, and have another child. So I did. And then I decided that starting a teaching career with a new baby seemed like a recipe for disaster, so I stayed home some more. I started thinking that once the kids got older, I'd find a teaching job. But then I realized that teaching is one of those jobs that you always take home with you, if you want to do it well. I struggled with the idea that I would be able to give enough of myself to both my students and my own children- as well as that guy I married. I thought maybe I'd just not think about it for a while.

Anywho, now I am pretty much getting the best of both worlds. I'm home with my kids each day and I am teaching them. Homeschooling became the solution to that problem, as well as others. We're enjoying it. Lexi is learning to read and do math, Lydia is working on numbers and letters. I'm learning too. Homeschooling is an efficient process, it only takes a couple of hours, tops, each day. We have park days and play dates and acting class and pottery and ballet and MOPS and other commitments too, so our days are usually full.

But I've still got time to spend. Time that I suppose I could use to work toward my dream.

But what IS my dream?

I've got a great family, friends I love, and I am enjoying the flexibility that homeschooling allows. Is that my dream? Am I already fulfilling it? I sit down each week and plan the following week. I research books, curricula, activities and more to find the best fit for my kids. I post on a Facebook group and look at ideas on Pinterest. I sit at a round table a lot. I do love homeschooling. I love teaching my girls. I get excited when Lexi reads to me, or when I see Lydia designing a craft with her big imagination. I guess I AM living my dream, without even realizing it. Wow.

 This drawer cart thing makes me happy.

 My very own plan book. I like writing things in little boxes.

I get to spend lots of time reading good books in this comfy chair.

So...is that it? Is that my dream?

Is that...enough?

Is that enough is closely related to "Am I enough?", which can be a slippery slope of a question. Sometimes, as humans, we struggle with the idea that we are good enough, or that we are doing enough, or that we are worthwhile. I feel like society puts a lot of pressure on people to be a certain way, to do a certain number of things, to have things. This isn't always in line with God's desire for us. So, in response to this, I ask myself this question: Am I using the gifts and talents God has given me? 

I think I am, in some ways. I am using my love of teaching and my love for my children to guide them and educate them. I am trying to teach them to know God and to love others and to do good in this world. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I am intentionally doing something that society feels is unusual because I feel like that is what I am being called to do.

But I do have some extra time. So what can I do with my other gifts and talents? Who else out there needs me?

Well, my husband, for one. I'm the only wife he's got, so I should be sure I am focusing on loving him and showing him how important he is to me. God gave him to me, so I should probably pay attention to him every now and then.

I have other passions out there I might be able to share with the world. I love to write. So maybe I'll begin by using this blog as an outlet for writing. Maybe through my writing I can make a positive impact on the lives of others. Maybe I can encourage people somehow. I think I will use some of my free time to write.

I also love to sing. I'm not sure how I can use that talent. I'm not really sure if I'd even call it a talent ;) I might see if perhaps I can sing at church when they need an extra voice now and then. I think I would love to do that.

I hope that you have a passion or a dream in your life that you are able to explore. Perhaps you are already living your dream. Maybe you're aware of that, maybe you are not. Maybe you have some extra time with which to use your talents. Maybe you've got gifts you don't even know about yet. I hope you will take some time to reflect on this and see what you can do to use your gifts or live your dreams.

~~~~~~

Related Music:

From the movie Tangled - I've Got a Dream

How I Met Your....Friends and found my Purpose

Do you ever feel restless? I feel restless lately. I'm unsure what to do with myself. Nothing really sounds good, so I just end up in the basement watching reruns of Friends. I love that show, but there's got to be something more.

I've been binge-watching TV for the past few months during the kids' quiet time and at night after they are in bed. I started with How I Met Your Mother and then stumbled upon Friends for the first time in my life. Both are great shows that had me hooked and made me laugh. But the problem was that there were 9 seasons of HIMYM available on Netflix and I ended up purchasing all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD since that was the cheapest way to watch them all. That's a lot of TV. I'm not even a person who used to like TV. I didn't watch it much growing up. I guess I am making up for that now. I enjoyed both shows a lot because they were funny and I loved the relationships between the characters. I even wonder how the characters in the two shows would get along with each other. I mean Robin doesn't really like anyone so she probably wouldn't get along with Monica and Rachel, but I'm thinking Joey and maybe Chandler could fit in with Marshall and Ted. Maybe.

Am I sad for even entertaining these kinds of useless thoughts? Probably. Sometimes being a stay-at-home-mom is isolating. Homeschooling is a lot of fun but it means that my kids are with me always. I love them and I mostly view this as a positive, but it leaves less time for other relationships. So I guess part of me enjoyed these shows because, well, it might be nice to have a group of friends or coworkers or whoever to hang out with. Adults. Just being honest. I wouldn't change where I am in my life if I could, but that doesn't mean it's always cake.

Now I have watched all 236 episodes of Friends and all 208 episodes of HIMYM and I'm done. So what should I do with all the free time I now have? Probably NOT start watching a new show, unless it is brand new and only puts out one 24 minute episode per week. Cuz that's how little self control I have. By my calculations, I watched 444 episodes of TV between these two shows, which is about 185 hours of TV or 7 days.  An entire week of my life spent watching TV shows. Wow. In a very short period of time. So that's a lot of time invested in TV watching, which is funny and relaxing but not very worthwhile and certainly passive. Now that I'm done with them, what should I do with nap time? My evenings? I just don't know.

I already spend a great deal of time with my kids. We read together, learn together and talk together daily. I started a new Bible study and have been reading for about 30 minutes each day and going to class once per week. I guess I could clean the house more, but it'll just get messy again. Lately Tim has been busy watching the Royals or football or working out, so a lot of this time I have is alone time anyway. I've read some good books and done some sewing. What did I used to do before this TV laden phase of life? I guess I went to the gym sometimes. That sounds...yyyyeah.

I'm just not sure what I can do that would make a difference. I'm unsure about what I'm being called to do and where to focus my energy. I'm with the girls during the day, so I have to stick around the house while they are resting. Evenings are tricky, I'm usually booked til 8pm or so and I don't want to stay out too late. What kind of a difference can I make here, from my home? What can I do that is worthwhile? How can I reach out to others in a meaningful way? What am I passionate about? What am I good at? What is God calling me to do? These are questions I am working through right now. I love to write. I love to sing. I like to share about experiences in my life and what I have learned along the way. Honestly, I would love to hear about your experiences too, whether you have been through this before and how it turned out.

Somehow, I'm gonna find my purpose.

Songs related to this topic:

From a great musical with puppets called Avenue Q - Purpose
Matthew West - My Own Little World

And the grinch's heart grew three sizes that day

So when I was 17 I got the idea into my head that I needed a kitten. My friend and her family had rescued kittens and had brought a box of adorable orange kitties over to my house. Like a child I begged my mom to let me have one and she said no. Like any smart child, I then went and asked my dad. He said yes. (PS this method still works!) While I didn't end up with one of the original orange kittens in the box, I did search the local pet stores for an orange kitten of my own and found one.

 I named my orange and white kitty Elvis and he was the center of my world for a while. I spoiled the heck out of that kitten. He followed me everywhere, watched me get ready for school in the morning and even my boyfriend at the time was jealous of the attention he got (although that was probably more that guy's issue than anything). When I visited Japan during the summer after high school graduation, Elvis was offended that I left him for 3 weeks and wouldn't "speak" to me for a while. Seriously, the cat ignored me after I got home. Real mature.

Anyhow, Elvis was my buddy, my baby, for a few years. I think the real trouble began when I moved out of my parents' house at 21 and into my first apartment. I was allowed to have a cat with me but would have to pay pet rent to the tune of $40/month. To me, that seemed ridiculous. So I brought Elvis with me and just didn't tell the apartment people. Real mature. This led to me having to hide him whenever maintenance was done because I was paranoid they would find out about my illegal cat and make me start paying. Ah, to be young and have those lame worries again. I ended up having the beg my friends to take him when there was maintenance on the apartment and I don't think they appreciated that. Sorry guys. I started to get a little irritated about the cat. Also, it was a small apartment, I had a room mate, and I was busy. Elvis wanted my attention all the time (did I mention I'd raised him to be a very needy cat? yeah) and I was busy having college-y adventures.

Then I got pregnant. That was stressful. The cat dropped to the very bottom of my priority list. I believe he returned to live with my parents for a while while Tim and I shuffled our lives into a new townhome, worked in different cities, and y'know, prepared to become parents. When Lexi was born, she took up all of my time as well as my heart. We tried to keep Elvis out of her room, out of her stuff, off of the counters, and so on. My beloved kitty became a nuisance in a very stressful time of my life.

Eventually we moved into our house and it was great to have more space. Life was still busy as I was getting ready to student teach, Tim was working full time, and Lexi was in day care. The cat was starved for my attention but I was exhausted and didn't have any to give. Tim did, and for a while they were buddies. Then Lydia came. That was the end of my relationship with the cat. I was stressed to the max, overwhelmed simply with existing, and resentful of an extra creature to care for. So I decided to try and find him a new home. I asked my friends and family, put up a picture on Facebook and later, craigslist (and was completely chewed out by animal lovers because apparently that was the wrong thing to do), and I called shelters. None of the places I called were taking cats. One of them was even having a free cat weekend to try and get rid of the bunches of cats they didn't have room for. One sweet old lady was interested and I crossed my fingers...but that fell through. I was so frustrated and exhausted.

Elvis had begun yowling at night especially. I'd be up nursing the baby, would just crawl back into bed and fall asleep, and then wake up in a panic to what sounded like the baby but was actually the cat yowling in the living room. I was sleep deprived and desperate. He started yowling at the doors and I started letting him outside. He usually just crept around the perimeter of the house, watched the birds, and then came back in later. One night though, he never came back.

I wish I could say I looked all over for him, but I didn't. I felt relieved. Tim tried to look for him a little, but I told him to stop. Isn't that sad? I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by having a 2 year old and a newborn that I just had nothing left to give. I had changed, not the cat. Gone was the carefree 17 year old girl who could come and go as she pleased and had very little responsibility in life. I was a young mom with two kids who had no idea what I was doing. I had nothing left for Elvis.

We never figured out where he ended up. I am hoping he found a sweet old lady to lavish attention on him. He was a good cat. I feel sad now about what happened. Not only had I stopped loving my kitty, but over the past couple of tumultuous years, I'd started disliking and resenting animals in general. I didn't understand my friends who posted endless pictures of their dogs and cats on Facebook. I thought that was just plain crazy. Animals weren't children. So stop treating them like that. Ridiculous.

Then I met Pogo.

Pogo met Tim one evening while he was working out in our driveway. She hopped out from under the car and started rubbing against his legs. She reminded Tim of his college roommate's cat Chester, who he loved. He called me outside to see her. Then he came in and shut the door, but we could hear her mewing on our porch, and we let her in. It was then that I realized she only had 3 legs. She was a small black kitty and was super friendly. Too friendly to be a stray. She curled up on my lap and purred and all the sudden, I remembered that I did like animals. It was instant, just like that. Just like the title of this post says (thanks to my friend Kayla for the words) but my small black heart for animals grew three sizes that day. Tim went out and got cat litter and some food and she spent the night with us. She was super cuddly, playful and loving. She purred in our faces all night.

The next morning, the girls and I took her to a nearby vet to see if she was microchipped. We had fallen in love already and were planning to keep her if she didn't already had an owner. Well, it turns out, she did. She'd been lost for almost 3 weeks and had crossed a highway to end up in our yard! When the vet called her owner to let her know that her cat had been found, she was overjoyed and actually cried. I sort of felt that this was the moment I made right with the universe over what had happened to Elvis.

Anyhow, that's all it took for us to realize that we needed a kitten of our own. We picked up Arya from the SPCA a few days later and she is the perfect fit to our family. She tolerates Lydia's toddler ways (she's pretty much a furry toddler herself) and cuddles and plays with Lexi all day. Then at night, she comes and sits with me and purrs, just thankful to have a home and be loved. Now I myself am in a much better place. No more diapers and night wakings, no more exhaustion and I'm only overwhelmed the normal mom amount, as far as I know. I guess I hadn't even realized how much my heart had hardened. The other day an old childhood friend asked if my kids had the same passion for animals that I did...and I thought to myself, I had a passion for animals? Wow. I'd completely forgotten. But God worked on my heart and reminded me who I was, who I am. It's never too late.

Now I remember what it is like to love an animal. I'm so sorry that I forgot, but so glad that two black kitties helped me remember.