Five Significant Happenings of 2014

As 2014 draws to a close, I find myself looking back and thinking about how the events of this year have shaped me as a person. Here are the top five experiences that I felt made an impact on my life in 2014...

1. Meeting my birth mom and sisters.
What I learned: God has a plan

In February, I flew to Colorado with my mom and my girls to meet my birth mom and family. As a kid, I often dreamed about what this would be like. I never thought it would actually happen. I was full of mixed emotions. I was terrified because I wasn't sure what to expect. I was excited to meet the people I'd been wondering about my whole life. I was nervous about how it would go. Overall, it was a really good experience for me. It was wild to meet people that shared my DNA. Long after I returned home I continued to be affected by the experience. I learned that love can be unconditional and sacrificial. I learned that God has plans for us that we don't always understand. I learned that small choices can lead to big changes and that my choices can deeply impact the lives of others. I learned to be grateful for the people in my life despite their imperfections, because none of us is perfect. Relationships are what I make of them. I am grateful I had the opportunity to meet the people who had such important roles in shaping who I am today.

2. Feeling crazy and trying to fix it.
What I learned: Don't give up on yourself

Ever since Lydia was born, I've felt sort of off. Not like myself at all. Tense, super irritable, overwhelmed all the time by situations that are not overwhelming. It really sucked. After a while of suffering in silence, a doctor started me on medication for anxiety, which helped for some time. Then, out of nowhere, I started struggling with feeling depressed at random times. Like crying my eyes out for no reason depressed. It scared me. The medication I was on wasn't helping me any more and I had a strong suspicion that all of these issues were related to my hormones. I'd noticed some patterns to my feelings that seemed like they might be related to hormone cycles. I told my doctor but she assured me it was not a hormone related problem because she checked my hormones last year and they were fine (just shows you how little she knew about hormones) and that she didn't know what was going on but that I needed to see someone else. So I went to a different doctor, a specialist who thought I had a mood disorder and began treating me for that despite the fact that only some of the symptoms fit. Finally, I called the doctor up and asked to try a hormone treatment because what I was on was not working. She tried to double the medication for the mood disorder but I told her I really didn't think that was the case and could I pretty please just have some hormones.  I finally got the treatment I needed and now I feel like a completely new person. It only took a few days for me to notice a change, and now I feel great. I feel even tempered and able to cope with life. I feel sane. I learned that sometimes, you have to really fight for yourself. You have to be your best advocate. You can't give up on yourself. I wonder how long I would have struggled with not feeling well had I not insisted that I was on to something with the hormone issue. Three years was long enough.

3. Running a 5K.
What I learned: I can do it if I put my mind to it

Okay, so I have always hated running. But this year, somehow, I got to the point where I actually enjoyed it. In January I decided that I wanted to get in better shape but I needed some guidance. Tim got me set up with Couch to 5K Trainer and I actually completed the entire program. I went to the gym and ran my butt off on a regular basis for several months. I got to the point where I could run for 30 minutes straight. Even better, I could walk up the big hill by our house without getting winded. It felt great. This made me realize that I really can do anything that I put my mind to. I joined a couple of friends in completing the Color Run in May (not gonna lie, I walked part of it. hills suck!) and it was fun. I never thought I'd be a person who enjoyed running, but for a period of time this year, I did. Hey, the moment has sort of passed, but just thinking back on this whole experience has made me realize I can do it again, if I dedicate myself to it.

4. Driving the kids to Chicago by myself.
What I learned: I can do anything


The opportunity to visit Chicago presented itself and my friends encouraged me to save money by driving instead of flying. Plus, if I drove, there would be the opportunity to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins that I don't get to see very often.  This was something that scared me. That probably sounds silly, but it is true. The idea of being in the car alone with the kids for 7 or more hours just sounded terrible. I wasn't sure I could do it by myself. And then the thought of traveling around the city without Tim to help out...well, it was scary! But, I wanted an adventure, so I decided to go on one. I wanted the freedom of knowing I could take the kids somewhere by myself. The knowledge that we weren't stuck at home. So I decided to go for it. There were some snags on this trip involving mini fridges, Wi-Fi, uneaten meals and lost breakfasts. I learned to assume nothing. I learned to be prepared and to plan the best I could, but to remain flexible when things don't go as planned. Most of all, that lesson that I can do anything came up again. We had a great time visiting my family, the Field Museum, and even the aquarium. Now I know that if I want an adventure, I can make one happen.

It was so good to hug my beautiful aunt

I miss my cousins so much

The kids loved the Field

5. Getting a cat.
What I learned: Cherish the little things

I've talked about this before (see this post for details if you're curious) and it may seem trivial to some, but this year, we made the impulsive decision to bring home a kitten and it was one of the best decisions we made. I had forgotten how to love an animal. But this sweet cat helped me remember why so many people have and love their pets. The cat has reminded me about unconditional love and gentleness. I didn't realize how much I needed these lessons. There's just nothing like snuggling with a purring cat at the end of the day. She's patient and tolerant of the children and purrs loud enough that I can't hear the TV. She has a knack for reminding us to put down on cell phones and pet her, and I love her for that.

If you had asked me on New Years Eve 2013 what I was hoping for in 2014, I don't think any of the things on this list would have come to mind. I would have been shocked to hear about most of them, actually. But it has been a really great year. I feel like I've grown a lot and that life has been sweet.  I have no idea what 2015 will bring, but I am guessing life will continue to surprise me and that I will learn and grow in some unexpected ways.

What did you learn in 2014? What experiences shaped you the most?

Getting this party started...and stopped...and started

This is the final post in a series explaining how we began our homeschooling journey. For the conversation that started it all, click here. To read about socialization, click here. For individualization, click here.

For starters, this was going to be a Choose Your Own Adventure post. Exciting, huh? When I began writing this, I thought I might need to write two versions. The long version with greater details and specifics that might interest those who are homeschooling, considering it, or interested in specifics, and the short version, for everyone else. Then I realized that I don't even want to write the specifics. So I stopped. If you want to know more, just ask!

Flexibility is the theme of this post. This world needs more of it. The ability to change plans, to bend and adapt to different situations, to transition, even to crumple up your list of plans, toss them away and start over. Flexibility is a good life skill to have.

It's also one of my favorite perks of homeschooling. Not only does homeschooling allow for flexibility, it requires it. In order to best educate your child, you have to be flexible. Heck, isn't that true of all parenting? You have to roll with the punches to a degree. Or else you completely lose your mind.

So, first, the ways in which homeschooling has allowed us to be flexible. It's given us the gift of time, really.

Well, we don't have to wake up early. Which rocks. I don't have to set an alarm. I have Lydia. We can stay in our pajamas until we are ready to get out of them (sometimes we stay in them til right before Tim gets home from work, but don't tell him that) and we can take the morning slow if we want to. Some days we don't even eat breakfast until 9:30. There's less rush in our days because we don't have to drop off or pick up at certain times.

We can pursue other interests. I'm in two different moms' groups that meet in the morning. On those days, we don't do school until we get home. The girls go and play with kids their age while I go play with moms. We can also take classes that meet at different times of the day, rather than in the evening when everyone is cranky and tired.

We can travel. By the end of this year, we'll have gone on four different trips that would have required that the girls take time off school, had they been enrolled. Instead we've schooled on the go or just planned breaks around the times we've been gone. We've hit Colorado, Chicago and Omaha and are visiting Branson this weekend. I love traveling and I'm glad we get to do this. The girls have learned so much visiting other places.

Lydia and a Stegosaurus

We love jellyfish!

So many different kinds of butterflies

Petting and feeding sting rays!

We're spreading our schooling throughout the year. This past year, we did school through June, took July off, then got started again in August. We took days off here and there for travel and holidays and are taking most of December off of our "formal" schedule. I love how this has really taken the pressure off. We're in no rush to complete a certain amount of work by a certain time. We can slow down when we get confused or spend extra time on something interesting.

On that note, Lexi is working at her own pace. She just started a 2nd grade reading curriculum in October and is working in a 1st grade math book. Her fine motor skills are still at kindergarten level so we are developing her handwriting little by little from where she's at now. The science and social studies curricula we are using are able to be modified for different ages. Lydia's enjoying our Zoology course right now too. I appreciate that Lexi can just be herself and improve on all levels at her pace. School doesn't take very long each day, maybe an hour or so. Her lessons are short and we are done when we are done.

We love reading about animals and then visiting them at the zoo

Now, for the other side of flexibility.

After we decided to dive into the world of homeschooling, one of the first tasks ahead of me was to select a curriculum to use with Lexi. She was 4. She missed the kindergarten cutoff by a couple of months but was ready for more than what preschool was offering.

Now many moms told me that I didn't need one at her age, or that I should use free or cheap resources to teach her. Did I listen? Of course not. I heard about an awesome, expensive, literature-based curriculum.

So many wonderful, beautifully illustrated books...

It was beautiful. A giant box arrived on our doorstep full of gorgeous looking books. I couldn't wait to get started. We sat down to follow the schedule that came with it and realized...we didn't love it!

What to do? Should we power through?

I decided not to. We continued reading the story books that came with the curriculum for fun, along with the math work books, but luckily, one of Tim's homeschooling aunts had shared some of her favorite resources with us and we started using them. First up was Teach Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I realized that Lexi knew a lot of what the beginning lessons taught, so at the advice of another mom, we skipped ahead. This book actually taught Lexi how to READ! She and I were both amazed and excited at how quickly she began sounding out words and reading short books. It was very cool.

It ain't pretty, but it's effective!

It's exciting to read a whole book!

Then, she got bored. What to do? Was it okay to not finish ANOTHER piece of curriculum? Would I scar my child for life?

No, I decided. She was bored, so we moved on! I didn't want her to think that reading was boring. I wanted her to love it.

I found another reading curriculum that came with a placement test. It placed Lex about 3/4 of the way through the first book in the series. Geez, that seemed messy. But ok. We started there and finished the book. Then we started the next book. It had a bunch of boring review at the front, so guess what?

Lex enjoys placing the covers of books she's finished reading on this chart

WE SKIPPED IT!

Whaaaaat?!

Yep, we skipped it.

Know why? Because it was the right choice for my kid. I want her to love reading. Whatever skills she may have missed by moving on could always be taught later.

And thus, I learned what it means to be flexible. It means following your child's needs. Even if it means trying something and quitting it. Even if it means trying different things and quitting them. Even if it is messy. I learned that learning doesn't always fit into a nice, neat box. It won't always be a nice little list we can check things off of when we are done. Education isn't always something beautiful and orderly that can be measured. It's a lifelong process. It's going to jump around sometimes.

It's hard to be flexible, but I've learned that it is a life skill worth practicing. When I am flexible, there's less pressure on me and on my children. When I'm flexible, we can take advantage of cool opportunities that pop up randomly. When I'm flexible, my kids realize that learning isn't about sticking to a schedule, but discovering and enjoying this amazing world around us.

I want my kids to be passionate, lifelong learners. I want them to follow their interests and develop their passions. But I have to be flexible with them, because they are people and, frankly, people are a mess. We don't fit into neat little boxes either. It's going to take me some time to figure out what works best for my kids- how they learn, what they are good at, what they need extra practice with. And that's okay.

We've got time. 

The IEP

This post is part of a series about Our Homeschooling Journey. Click here for the conversation that started it all. Click here to read about the S word.

As Tim and I weighed the pros and cons of different educational options for our children, we talked a lot about the purpose of school and education in general and we shared about our personal experiences in school.

We graduated together but I got the fancy cords for doing my homework.

I was a goody-two-shoes straight-A student in high school, Tim was the kid who aced the tests but didn't turn in the homework. I diligently attended even the most boring of classes, Tim found himself skipping classes that weren't interesting or challenging him. We were two very different students. We still are two very different learners. Tim can read a book while watching TV or listening to music and comprehend all of the different stimuli. I need quiet to read and I still struggle sometimes to follow the plot of a complicated movie or TV show.

The truth is, all people are very different. We all come with our own unique abilities, interests, attitudes and needs. I think this is great. It'd be boring if we were all the same. We all have something different to contribute to the world and society needs a lot of different kinds of people to function.

At the time we were discussing homeschooling, Lexi was 4. She was a bright kid. She has always had a strong vocabulary and good communication skills. She had a killer memory (as her mom that can be a good/bad thing for me) and was naturally curious. She was interested in learning to read and enjoyed building things with blocks and creating art. She was one-of-a-kind in our eyes.

She loved drawing as soon as she learned to pick up a pen (with her left hand!)

Which is what made me a bit concerned about sending her to a classroom of 20-30 kids someday. I have a background in education and I understand how challenging it can be for a teacher to cater to the varying needs of so many students. I often saw the bright kids, and sometimes the average kids, get left behind.

Actually, I remember once exercise I did in one of my education courses at KU. We were given a roster of 30 make believe student profiles and had to pick which kids we'd most like to have in our imaginary classroom and which we would least like to have.

Can you guess which kids myself and my fellow future teachers did NOT want in our classrooms?

The gifted kids! I was really surprised at this result. We all chose the struggling kids to have in our classrooms over the children who needed an extra challenge. I know from experience that it can be difficult to come up with challenges for the bright kids in a class, especially when there are some kids struggling to stay caught up.

I remember one student that I student taught who had mediocre grades. He always finished his work quickly and then space off or messed around, sometimes distracting other kids. One day I called him over and asked if he was bored. Yes, he told me adamantly. I told him I would try to come up with something extra for him to do. He came to my desk daily from them on asking if I had something for him.

I don't know if Lexi is gifted. I don't really know what that even means. I know she is smart. I wonder how she would behave in a classroom if she finished all her work. Would she bother the other kids? Read the dictionary in class, like her dad once did? I can't say.

What I can say is that kids who are bored or not kept busy and challenged can begin to feel negatively about school in general. Being bored in school can lead to a disinterest in learning or a squashing of passion.

What is the point of school? To me, school is about education. Education is about learning. In my eyes, the goal of education is to develop knowledge and skills that enrich life and benefit the individual as well as others.

What's the best way to accomplish this kind of knowledge and skill development?

Well, that depends on the person. We're all individuals. What works for one person may not work for another.

In the education world, students who have special needs qualify for an IEP, or Individualized Education Program. Each child's IEP lays out needs, goals, accommodations that will be made for the child and a plan for helping them reach their goals. A team of teachers and staff members meet periodically to monitor how things are going.

I like the idea of the IEP. I think every kid should have one. Does that sound crazy?

I think it's crazy to assume that all the kids in a classroom are the same.

Each child has different abilities, needs, interests and even attention span and energy level that affect her ability to learn. So why not take these factors into consideration?

Well, in a classroom of 30 kids, it would be nearly impossible for one teacher to be able to teach each subject to fit each child's individual differences. That is asking a lot. There are a lot of wonderful teachers out there who do a great job teaching their students to the best of their abilities. Sadly, these teachers often have time constraints and limited budgets as well as mounting responsibilities (state testing, anyone?) that don't always make it possible for them to cater to each student's specific, individual needs.

But, I learned, there is another option.

Homeschooling.

As my child's mom, I am already familiar with many of her quirks. I am aware of her interests, abilities, and I've been taking care of her needs since she entered the world. I get that she is ready to go first thing in the morning but hits an afternoon slump- I do too. I know that she could listen to books for hours on end but that she tires quickly when she's writing.

At the time of this decision, Lexi was only 4. She already showed strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others. She was excited about learning. I didn't want that excitement to fizzle out.  I always knew I wanted to be the one to have the honor of teaching her to read. I got excited about the idea of being the one to teach her other things too. I could create a plan for her education based on her specific needs.

Once homeschooling got into my head, I knew I had to try it out. It seemed to fit. I could teach Lexi at her own pace, following her own interests, which would fulfill my desire to be home with my children yet also exercise my love for teaching. Win-Win.

So when Tim lost his job in the winter of 2013 and we legitimately could not afford preschool any longer, we decided to officially make the plunge into homeschooling.

What a wild ride it has been.

Lexi was very interested in gardening and chose to buy herself a tomato plant

Mushrooms were fascinating to learn about

She loved writing stories

There's nothing quite like dancing in the rain.

The S Word

This post is part of a series about Our Homeschooling Journey. Click here to read the first post. 

After some research, I realized there were some benefits to homeschooling I had never considered. Tim and I began discussing it as a viable option for our family. We weighed the pros and cons. The biggest issue we were concerned with was socialization. We soon discovered that this was one of the most talked about issues of homeschooling, not only for those who do homeschool their children, but also for those who do not. It's a hot topic, and for good reason. It's important.

Socialization. What does it mean to you? Merriam-Webster defines socialization as, "the process by which a human being beginning at infancy acquires the habits, beliefs, and accumulated knowledge of society through education and training for adult status." I also found, "to teach (someone) to behave in a way that is acceptable in society". 

In short, socialization refers to the ability to function in society. Okay. Everyone likes the idea of society having functional members. Our kids need to learn how to behave appropriately in a variety of social situations. They need to learn how to navigate and communicate within a variety of social contexts. Schools aim to teach children how to function in a classroom setting. To raise your hand when you want to speak, to get along with other kids your age, to do as you are told. Schools teach kids how to behave in school. If my kids don't go to school, they don't need to learn how to be in school, if that makes sense. (Side note: Yes, they will need to learn how to attend a college level course someday, but by that time, they'll have matured and will hopefully have learned how to listen respectfully to a speaker and participate in discussion from a variety of life situations. They'll already be using other educational skills like writing, note-taking and research in our courses at home.) 

There are actually some social skills I don't want my children to learn at school. I don't want them to learn to single out or pick on children who are different from them. I don't want them to feel pressured by peers to behave a certain way in order to be liked. I don't want them to feel that they have to be, do, or have certain things in order to be accepted by others. I don't want them to learn inappropriate words or values I don't agree with in a setting where I can't be there to explain what's going on or help them through. I want them to be themselves and I want them to love others for who they are. I want them to be kind, generous and honest.  I want them to know that people are more important than things. These are all skills and values that are important to me. I hope they will learn them watching Tim and I. 

When you breakdown the concept of socialization, it describes a lot of different skills used in a lot of different contexts. So what other social skills should my children learn? They need to learn how to respect others with their words and actions. They need to learn how to hold down a steady job some day which requires skills like timeliness, hard work, and organization. They'll need to manage money. I want my kids to speak confidently with others. I want them to go to the library and find a book without talking loudly on their cell phones. I want them to apologize when they do something wrong. I want them to find a job they love and move the hell out of my house. I want them to be people who can do life without constantly relying on others for their basic needs. I want them to become independent and capable members of society. 

I don't think they need to sit in a classroom for six or more hours per day to learn how to do these. I can teach them these skills as the situations present themselves. They can learn by doing.

 Tim and I decided that the aspect of socialization we were concerned with was our children making friends. Friends are important, and without school offering a variety of candidates, we'd have to be intentional about providing opportunities for our kids to get to know other children. We learned that there are many homeschooling families in our area that organize themselves in a variety of ways. I joined one Facebook group for homeschoolers in our area and was shocked to discover over 1,000 members and a variety of play dates, field trips, groups classes and get-togethers taking place all the time. Along with those homeschool-specific options, we planned to get our kids involved in sports, dance, art, acting, and whatever else they were interested. Sunday school and church activities as well as play dates with existing friends and neighbors were good opportunities to practice social skills.

Socialization didn't seem like a big concern anymore.  

Today, our kids are homeschooled and have friends. (It can be done!) Homeschooling has so far provided us with a variety of opportunities to practice what it means to be a functioning member of society and I'm sure new circumstances will present themselves as the kids grow. As of right now, we are out and about almost every day. We get together once or twice per week to play at a park or indoor gym with other homeschooling families for several hours. It's like one long recess where kids of all ages interact and have fun together. We still get together with Lexi's public school friends as well. We've tried out a book club and a Co-Op (A group of homeschooling parents who bring their kids together for learning activities). The girls come with me to two different moms groups and play with other kids while I hang out with other moms since I like having friends too. Lexi, at age 6, has tried pottery, dance, multiple acting classes, music, Awana, and more. There always seems to be something new and interesting to try. 

Honestly, the real problem with homeschooling and socialization is staying home long enough to get schoolwork done. 

The Conversation

If you had told me 10, 5, or even 2 years ago that we would be a homeschooling family, I would have laughed in your face and suggested that you were crazy. I guess that could be said about many of the circumstances that I've found myself in, to be honest. Nonetheless, here I am.

I've been asked several times why on Earth we would choose this lifestyle for our family. Some days, I'm the one doing the asking. I thought it might be helpful to recall how and why we intentionally went off the beaten path. It all started with a conversation.

About two years ago, my good friend invited the kids and I over for lunch. It was one of those great situations where the kids entertained themselves leaving my friend and I free to have a (mostly) uninterrupted conversation. Out of the blue, she asked me if I thought it would be crazy for her to homeschool her eldest daughter. I was surprised to hear this and asked her why she was considering that route. Her daughter was two grades ahead of Lexi and attending the elementary school we were zoned for. I was curious to hear why she might be dissatisfied. Safety was her primary issue at that time. She'd seen some things happening in her daughter's kindergarten classroom that made her uneasy. On more than one occasion, kids had been left unattended. Outside. Without the teacher knowing it, somehow. I listened and considered that, as well as the other points she was made. Then I told her that I really didn't think it was that crazy.

Even a year earlier, I probably would have told her she was nuts. I don't even think I would have sugarcoated it, she's that kind of friend. I couldn't understand why anyone would think homeschooling was a great idea. I mean, how would your kid learn all that stuff you weren't qualified to teach? How would your kid learn to behave like a normal human being? (I'd encountered some stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb awkward homeschoolers) And why would you want your poor child to be lonely and isolated? I'd learned a bit about virtual schooling during my time in the Education program at KU and I just didn't get why someone would choose that for their child. Maybe if your kid was an actor or something and you needed the flexibility. Or if they had some terrible illness that kept them out of school. Other than extreme circumstances, it seemed crazy. With the exception of discussing with my School of Ed colleagues that I thought virtual schooling was wacky, I didn't give it much more than a passing thought. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Then I became a mom. I had my own monkeys to be concerned about, and I was running the circus.

Tim and I had actually discussed our kids' schooling at length before. We both attended private, Catholic schools from preschool through high school. We knew that our children wouldn't be following in our footsteps in that regard. For one, we didn't have the money. For another, we'd left the Catholic church and had no interest in returning. We'd talked about maybe sending the girls to a private high school since we felt those were the most crucial years. Or at least the years when public school seemed scariest, what with the pressure of peers potentially luring our little angels toward drugs, alcohol and other unwholesome activities. If our kids ran into a snag in school that couldn't be resolved, I could just pull them out and homeschool them for a bit then send them back. I was qualified. I had a Master's degree in Education after all. I'd never considered homeschooling as a viable long term option before though. The fact that a dear trusted friend of mine with a child attending my child's future school was considering homeschooling struck a nerve with me. It hit a little too close to home. If she was concerned, maybe I should be concerned.I realized I should, at the very least, be aware. Maybe it was time to learn more about my options.

I left my friend's house that day with my gears turning. Homeschooling. What was that all about?

I did what I always do when I need to know more about something. I bought a book, and I spent a ridiculous amount of time Googling. What I discovered is what ultimately led us to where we are today.

It's funny how one conversation can change everything.

I've (Not So Much) Got A Dream

So, do you have a dream?

The concept of having (and fulfilling) lifelong dreams has been running rampant through my life lately. I've been reading a book called The Best Yes by Lysa TerKeurst, an author I enjoy, and one chapter discussed the idea of setting aside specific time to work on or take steps toward fulfilling your dream. The author shared how before she wrote her first book, she struggled with finding time to write. Then she decided to actually schedule time each week to write, and stuck to it, and now she's written like 14 books or something.

Free time to work on fulfilling my dream isn't my problem. I took a quiz on her website, a Time Assessment Tool, to figure out how much time I spend doing different tasks and how much free time I actually have each week. Short answer: I have quite a bit. Good for me!

The problem is...I don't really have a dream.

I used to have dreams, or ambitions. When I was younger, I wanted to write a book. It was a goal of mine to complete a novel of at least 100 pages in length. 99 pages would not have been acceptable. As a kid, I was constantly making up stories. But I never got more than a few pages in before I moved on to something else.  When I got to high school, I realized that along with writing, I also really loved editing. I loved wielding a red pen and marking up someone else's work, in hopes of making great improvements. I decided I wanted to become a high school English teacher, mostly so I could red pen a bunch of mediocre papers to death. I decided to pursue a future in Education.

 A couple weeks before my application to KU's Education program was due, I realized that I loved English, as in grammar and writing, but not so much literature, as in Classics and Shakespeare. I found that boring. So I decided to apply to the Elementary Education program instead, because kids are funny and the idea of teaching a little of everything sounded great.

I completed two Education degrees and realized I wanted to stay home with my child, and have another child. So I did. And then I decided that starting a teaching career with a new baby seemed like a recipe for disaster, so I stayed home some more. I started thinking that once the kids got older, I'd find a teaching job. But then I realized that teaching is one of those jobs that you always take home with you, if you want to do it well. I struggled with the idea that I would be able to give enough of myself to both my students and my own children- as well as that guy I married. I thought maybe I'd just not think about it for a while.

Anywho, now I am pretty much getting the best of both worlds. I'm home with my kids each day and I am teaching them. Homeschooling became the solution to that problem, as well as others. We're enjoying it. Lexi is learning to read and do math, Lydia is working on numbers and letters. I'm learning too. Homeschooling is an efficient process, it only takes a couple of hours, tops, each day. We have park days and play dates and acting class and pottery and ballet and MOPS and other commitments too, so our days are usually full.

But I've still got time to spend. Time that I suppose I could use to work toward my dream.

But what IS my dream?

I've got a great family, friends I love, and I am enjoying the flexibility that homeschooling allows. Is that my dream? Am I already fulfilling it? I sit down each week and plan the following week. I research books, curricula, activities and more to find the best fit for my kids. I post on a Facebook group and look at ideas on Pinterest. I sit at a round table a lot. I do love homeschooling. I love teaching my girls. I get excited when Lexi reads to me, or when I see Lydia designing a craft with her big imagination. I guess I AM living my dream, without even realizing it. Wow.

 This drawer cart thing makes me happy.

 My very own plan book. I like writing things in little boxes.

I get to spend lots of time reading good books in this comfy chair.

So...is that it? Is that my dream?

Is that...enough?

Is that enough is closely related to "Am I enough?", which can be a slippery slope of a question. Sometimes, as humans, we struggle with the idea that we are good enough, or that we are doing enough, or that we are worthwhile. I feel like society puts a lot of pressure on people to be a certain way, to do a certain number of things, to have things. This isn't always in line with God's desire for us. So, in response to this, I ask myself this question: Am I using the gifts and talents God has given me? 

I think I am, in some ways. I am using my love of teaching and my love for my children to guide them and educate them. I am trying to teach them to know God and to love others and to do good in this world. I'm trying to be the best mom I can be. I am intentionally doing something that society feels is unusual because I feel like that is what I am being called to do.

But I do have some extra time. So what can I do with my other gifts and talents? Who else out there needs me?

Well, my husband, for one. I'm the only wife he's got, so I should be sure I am focusing on loving him and showing him how important he is to me. God gave him to me, so I should probably pay attention to him every now and then.

I have other passions out there I might be able to share with the world. I love to write. So maybe I'll begin by using this blog as an outlet for writing. Maybe through my writing I can make a positive impact on the lives of others. Maybe I can encourage people somehow. I think I will use some of my free time to write.

I also love to sing. I'm not sure how I can use that talent. I'm not really sure if I'd even call it a talent ;) I might see if perhaps I can sing at church when they need an extra voice now and then. I think I would love to do that.

I hope that you have a passion or a dream in your life that you are able to explore. Perhaps you are already living your dream. Maybe you're aware of that, maybe you are not. Maybe you have some extra time with which to use your talents. Maybe you've got gifts you don't even know about yet. I hope you will take some time to reflect on this and see what you can do to use your gifts or live your dreams.

~~~~~~

Related Music:

From the movie Tangled - I've Got a Dream

How I Met Your....Friends and found my Purpose

Do you ever feel restless? I feel restless lately. I'm unsure what to do with myself. Nothing really sounds good, so I just end up in the basement watching reruns of Friends. I love that show, but there's got to be something more.

I've been binge-watching TV for the past few months during the kids' quiet time and at night after they are in bed. I started with How I Met Your Mother and then stumbled upon Friends for the first time in my life. Both are great shows that had me hooked and made me laugh. But the problem was that there were 9 seasons of HIMYM available on Netflix and I ended up purchasing all 10 seasons of Friends on DVD since that was the cheapest way to watch them all. That's a lot of TV. I'm not even a person who used to like TV. I didn't watch it much growing up. I guess I am making up for that now. I enjoyed both shows a lot because they were funny and I loved the relationships between the characters. I even wonder how the characters in the two shows would get along with each other. I mean Robin doesn't really like anyone so she probably wouldn't get along with Monica and Rachel, but I'm thinking Joey and maybe Chandler could fit in with Marshall and Ted. Maybe.

Am I sad for even entertaining these kinds of useless thoughts? Probably. Sometimes being a stay-at-home-mom is isolating. Homeschooling is a lot of fun but it means that my kids are with me always. I love them and I mostly view this as a positive, but it leaves less time for other relationships. So I guess part of me enjoyed these shows because, well, it might be nice to have a group of friends or coworkers or whoever to hang out with. Adults. Just being honest. I wouldn't change where I am in my life if I could, but that doesn't mean it's always cake.

Now I have watched all 236 episodes of Friends and all 208 episodes of HIMYM and I'm done. So what should I do with all the free time I now have? Probably NOT start watching a new show, unless it is brand new and only puts out one 24 minute episode per week. Cuz that's how little self control I have. By my calculations, I watched 444 episodes of TV between these two shows, which is about 185 hours of TV or 7 days.  An entire week of my life spent watching TV shows. Wow. In a very short period of time. So that's a lot of time invested in TV watching, which is funny and relaxing but not very worthwhile and certainly passive. Now that I'm done with them, what should I do with nap time? My evenings? I just don't know.

I already spend a great deal of time with my kids. We read together, learn together and talk together daily. I started a new Bible study and have been reading for about 30 minutes each day and going to class once per week. I guess I could clean the house more, but it'll just get messy again. Lately Tim has been busy watching the Royals or football or working out, so a lot of this time I have is alone time anyway. I've read some good books and done some sewing. What did I used to do before this TV laden phase of life? I guess I went to the gym sometimes. That sounds...yyyyeah.

I'm just not sure what I can do that would make a difference. I'm unsure about what I'm being called to do and where to focus my energy. I'm with the girls during the day, so I have to stick around the house while they are resting. Evenings are tricky, I'm usually booked til 8pm or so and I don't want to stay out too late. What kind of a difference can I make here, from my home? What can I do that is worthwhile? How can I reach out to others in a meaningful way? What am I passionate about? What am I good at? What is God calling me to do? These are questions I am working through right now. I love to write. I love to sing. I like to share about experiences in my life and what I have learned along the way. Honestly, I would love to hear about your experiences too, whether you have been through this before and how it turned out.

Somehow, I'm gonna find my purpose.

Songs related to this topic:

From a great musical with puppets called Avenue Q - Purpose
Matthew West - My Own Little World

And the grinch's heart grew three sizes that day

So when I was 17 I got the idea into my head that I needed a kitten. My friend and her family had rescued kittens and had brought a box of adorable orange kitties over to my house. Like a child I begged my mom to let me have one and she said no. Like any smart child, I then went and asked my dad. He said yes. (PS this method still works!) While I didn't end up with one of the original orange kittens in the box, I did search the local pet stores for an orange kitten of my own and found one.

 I named my orange and white kitty Elvis and he was the center of my world for a while. I spoiled the heck out of that kitten. He followed me everywhere, watched me get ready for school in the morning and even my boyfriend at the time was jealous of the attention he got (although that was probably more that guy's issue than anything). When I visited Japan during the summer after high school graduation, Elvis was offended that I left him for 3 weeks and wouldn't "speak" to me for a while. Seriously, the cat ignored me after I got home. Real mature.

Anyhow, Elvis was my buddy, my baby, for a few years. I think the real trouble began when I moved out of my parents' house at 21 and into my first apartment. I was allowed to have a cat with me but would have to pay pet rent to the tune of $40/month. To me, that seemed ridiculous. So I brought Elvis with me and just didn't tell the apartment people. Real mature. This led to me having to hide him whenever maintenance was done because I was paranoid they would find out about my illegal cat and make me start paying. Ah, to be young and have those lame worries again. I ended up having the beg my friends to take him when there was maintenance on the apartment and I don't think they appreciated that. Sorry guys. I started to get a little irritated about the cat. Also, it was a small apartment, I had a room mate, and I was busy. Elvis wanted my attention all the time (did I mention I'd raised him to be a very needy cat? yeah) and I was busy having college-y adventures.

Then I got pregnant. That was stressful. The cat dropped to the very bottom of my priority list. I believe he returned to live with my parents for a while while Tim and I shuffled our lives into a new townhome, worked in different cities, and y'know, prepared to become parents. When Lexi was born, she took up all of my time as well as my heart. We tried to keep Elvis out of her room, out of her stuff, off of the counters, and so on. My beloved kitty became a nuisance in a very stressful time of my life.

Eventually we moved into our house and it was great to have more space. Life was still busy as I was getting ready to student teach, Tim was working full time, and Lexi was in day care. The cat was starved for my attention but I was exhausted and didn't have any to give. Tim did, and for a while they were buddies. Then Lydia came. That was the end of my relationship with the cat. I was stressed to the max, overwhelmed simply with existing, and resentful of an extra creature to care for. So I decided to try and find him a new home. I asked my friends and family, put up a picture on Facebook and later, craigslist (and was completely chewed out by animal lovers because apparently that was the wrong thing to do), and I called shelters. None of the places I called were taking cats. One of them was even having a free cat weekend to try and get rid of the bunches of cats they didn't have room for. One sweet old lady was interested and I crossed my fingers...but that fell through. I was so frustrated and exhausted.

Elvis had begun yowling at night especially. I'd be up nursing the baby, would just crawl back into bed and fall asleep, and then wake up in a panic to what sounded like the baby but was actually the cat yowling in the living room. I was sleep deprived and desperate. He started yowling at the doors and I started letting him outside. He usually just crept around the perimeter of the house, watched the birds, and then came back in later. One night though, he never came back.

I wish I could say I looked all over for him, but I didn't. I felt relieved. Tim tried to look for him a little, but I told him to stop. Isn't that sad? I was so exhausted and overwhelmed by having a 2 year old and a newborn that I just had nothing left to give. I had changed, not the cat. Gone was the carefree 17 year old girl who could come and go as she pleased and had very little responsibility in life. I was a young mom with two kids who had no idea what I was doing. I had nothing left for Elvis.

We never figured out where he ended up. I am hoping he found a sweet old lady to lavish attention on him. He was a good cat. I feel sad now about what happened. Not only had I stopped loving my kitty, but over the past couple of tumultuous years, I'd started disliking and resenting animals in general. I didn't understand my friends who posted endless pictures of their dogs and cats on Facebook. I thought that was just plain crazy. Animals weren't children. So stop treating them like that. Ridiculous.

Then I met Pogo.

Pogo met Tim one evening while he was working out in our driveway. She hopped out from under the car and started rubbing against his legs. She reminded Tim of his college roommate's cat Chester, who he loved. He called me outside to see her. Then he came in and shut the door, but we could hear her mewing on our porch, and we let her in. It was then that I realized she only had 3 legs. She was a small black kitty and was super friendly. Too friendly to be a stray. She curled up on my lap and purred and all the sudden, I remembered that I did like animals. It was instant, just like that. Just like the title of this post says (thanks to my friend Kayla for the words) but my small black heart for animals grew three sizes that day. Tim went out and got cat litter and some food and she spent the night with us. She was super cuddly, playful and loving. She purred in our faces all night.

The next morning, the girls and I took her to a nearby vet to see if she was microchipped. We had fallen in love already and were planning to keep her if she didn't already had an owner. Well, it turns out, she did. She'd been lost for almost 3 weeks and had crossed a highway to end up in our yard! When the vet called her owner to let her know that her cat had been found, she was overjoyed and actually cried. I sort of felt that this was the moment I made right with the universe over what had happened to Elvis.

Anyhow, that's all it took for us to realize that we needed a kitten of our own. We picked up Arya from the SPCA a few days later and she is the perfect fit to our family. She tolerates Lydia's toddler ways (she's pretty much a furry toddler herself) and cuddles and plays with Lexi all day. Then at night, she comes and sits with me and purrs, just thankful to have a home and be loved. Now I myself am in a much better place. No more diapers and night wakings, no more exhaustion and I'm only overwhelmed the normal mom amount, as far as I know. I guess I hadn't even realized how much my heart had hardened. The other day an old childhood friend asked if my kids had the same passion for animals that I did...and I thought to myself, I had a passion for animals? Wow. I'd completely forgotten. But God worked on my heart and reminded me who I was, who I am. It's never too late.

Now I remember what it is like to love an animal. I'm so sorry that I forgot, but so glad that two black kitties helped me remember.

Holiday Meltdown

What I love about holidays:

• Spending time with family
• Honoring God
• Having fun
• Making funny memories
• Surprising others
• Enjoying special activities
• Relaxing
• Trying something new
• Getting to see people I don't usually get to see
• Catching up
• Playing games
• Sitting and talking

What I do not love about holidays:

• Spending money on items that are not needed or wanted
• Rushing from place to place
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Losing sight of the meaning
• Commercialism
• Getting buried in piles of junk
• Spending tons of time getting ready
• Making messes
• Spending a ton of time in the kitchen
• Being guilted into things
• Feeling exhausted
• Wasting money
• Doing things for the same of doing them
• Being too busy to enjoy
• Not having time to do the things that matter to me

What I want more of in the holidays

• God
• Prayer
• Helping others
• Giving back
• Serving those in need
• Making a difference in the world
• Celebrating relationships
• Laughter
• Wonder
  
  
  How to move from exhausted and overwhelmed to enjoyable and meaningful? That is the question. I think saying no and simplifying are part of the answer, as are bucking traditions that aren't meaningful and slowing down. I am going to try to remember this list and implement more of it at the next holiday. Luckily we have a break until the next holiday, which is...what? My birthday? ;) I think we are off until the 4th of July, which I don't care about, and then Halloween maybe? Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas are the big ones.

Idols

I think it is fair to say that here in America, we tend to worship a lot of idols. The Bible talks about carved images and statues, but  in 2014, we've gotten a lot fancier. There are smart phones and iPads, celebrities, pro athletes, social media, and, well, money. The word worship can have a creepy connotation if you think about it in regards to the idols I just listed. It might make you feel weird to think about building an altar to an iPhone or throwing yourself at the feet of a famous person. That's kind of what comes to my mind when I think of worship, and of course you haven't done that. Neither have I. But I will admit that I have been struggling with idols lately.

What does that even mean? Well, to me, an idol is anything that gets more of my time and attention than it deserves, anything that takes the place of time I should be spending in prayer or thanksgiving, anything that distracts me from doing what I should be doing, what God has planned for me. If we go by that definition, well, my smart phone and my tablet are idols on a regular basis because I can't seem to put them down. I had the intention of giving up Facebook for Lent but I couldn't handle that, so I tried to at least ditch the app on my phone...but I've been cheating. A lot. A lot of my precious time has also gone toward shopping on Amazon for stuff I probably don't need that won't make me happy. But it's so fun for a package to come in the mail for me.

I'm not typically a person that cares about celebrities on any level, but after watching Catching Fire, I spent way too much time this week watching hilarious videos of Jennifer Lawrence on YouTube and I reread the whole Hunger Games trilogy (again) when I probably should have been cleaning the bathroom or doing some grocery shopping.

It is so easy to get caught up in things that don't really matter. It is so easy for media to saturate our lives and honestly, staring at a smart phone instead of engaging with the world has become so socially acceptable that it's common to see hordes of people staring at tiny screens in public. I have fallen victim to this in so many ways. Sometimes, it feels harmless. Other times, I reflect on my day and realize I didn't really spend any time with Lydia, or that I neglected to pray the entire day.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I've been struggling with it this week, and I need to talk about it. I don't want to worship a false god. I don't want to spend hours of my life watching YouTube videos of celebrities. I don't want to get sucked into my damn phone. I don't want all of these distractions hindering my relationship with God. Because sometimes, it does. There were a few months where I didn't read the Bible at all, because I was distracted. There have been many nights where I decide I should probably pray before I go to bed, then get distracted thinking about something else and fall asleep.

I don't think God deserves my leftovers, my half-hearted prayers at the end of the day, my utter neglect of His Word. I mean, the first commandment flat out tells me not to have any other gods before Him. I think he deserves my best, I really do. But I struggle. I get sucked into this worldly world, this society and its love of things with screens, this cyclical boredom brought on by everyday tasks, and I turn elsewhere for satisfaction. I really should be turning to God first. I should confess my struggles and ask for help. I should talk to him every day, study his Word, and apply it to my life. It's hard, for sure. It takes focus and determination. But through Him, I can do it. And I want to.

So help me, Lord, to put down the screens that distract me from what really matters, becoming the person you created me to be. Help me to stop Googling and YouTube-ing and BuzzFeed-ing random crap. Help me to stop incessantly checking Facebook, looking for something interesting or new. Help me to turn to you in my struggles, in my triumphs, in my everyday mundane moments. Only You can fill me.

Is anyone there?

Hey, so, I really want to find something constructive to do with myself, now that the kids are getting bigger and are playing together more and more. Sure, I do school with Lexi and we go places, but I am finding myself with more down time than ever before. I think that's why I was thinking about the Maybe. Anyway, I've been trying to think of something worthwhile or meaningful that I could do from the comfort of my own home.

I landed on the idea of writing, although watching shows on Netflix was a close second. I love to write, and I thought, hey, if I could encourage others or make a positive impact with my writing, that would be awesome. I looked around a little online and thought about writing letters to the troops, and also stumbled upon a page for writing anonymous encouraging letters. I could do more research, but then I got to thinking: what about my blog? Is there something I could do with it to make a positive impact?

What do you think? Who is reading this? Leave a comment or shoot me a message. Do you think I could encourage others if I were to share this with more people?

I will probably continue writing regardless of whether I decide to go bigger with this or not, but I would love to hear what you think about making it more widespread.

Maybe

I want to start this post with a blessing report. God is always blessing my life and sometimes I forget to share the specifics.

So, it is tax season. I was a little nervous to do our taxes because, well, we both claimed a lot of allowances last year when filing. Tim had lost his job. Somehow, I was afraid we might owe. We have money in savings, but I hate chipping away at it. Tim sat down one evening with our good friend TurboTax and got to work. He called me in a few times to find certain papers or answer questions and I was nervous. He wasn't, though. TurboTax gives you an estimate of your refund/what you owe as you are going and ours looked...very green.

It turns out, we are technically at the poverty line, for a family of four. We certainly don't feel like we are living in poverty, considering we have a nice warm home, food in the kitchen, clothes on our backs, an income, and cars to drive. But I guess according to the government, we be po'. So we were given several credits based on our income, the fact we have kids, and more. The result was a very large amount of green coming to us, to the tune of more than a couple months' salary.

So are you saying WOW they are poor! or WOW that's a lot of money!? The way I see it, we are far from poor. Not only do we have the amenities I mentioned above, but we also have friends and family to love, plenty of time to spend with them, good health, and the ability to bless others. We've been sponsoring a little girl in Costa Rica and just added a little boy from Bangladesh to our global family as well. We are richly blessed. But yes, that WAS a lot of money.

And with that money, we will be able to give more, perhaps by sponsoring an additional child (Check out www.worldvision.org if you want to learn more!) or by loaning money to small scale entrepreneurs in Africa (visit www.kiva.org) or maybe to SafeHome, a local women's shelter, or DonorsChoose, a website that allows investment in classrooms nationwide. I am blessed, so I bless others. With the money we will also be able to purchase some homeschooling curriculum for the girls, pay for activities they might like to try (gymnastics and ballet have been voted for) and save, save, save for the next rainy day.

Frankly, God has provided for us financially in very obvious ways recently, and to me, this is another example of that. I was afraid we'd have to pay and that the kids wouldn't be able to try any sports and that we'd have to dip into savings to fix the lock on the car and the trunk on the van. Petty things, really. There is food on the table and the cars go, after all. But God is providing for a little more, perhaps because we've been giving a little more. It's hard to make sense of it all, but I just want you to know that I have taken a leap of faith by giving more and have been wholly blessed in return.



So, the Maybe. I have two mostly sweet little girls who are 5 and 2 1/2. 2 1/2, to some, means terrible twos and frustration. But I love age 2. To me, it means Almost Human. The kid can feed herself, speak English better than I could speak Spanish after 4 years of it, and entertain herself. She sleeps in a "bed" now, which just means that we took some of the bars off her cage, I mean, crib. I am sincerely hoping she will be potty trained any time now. She's pooped in there a few times and claims that means she is potty trained...but I'm not buying it.

Anywho, my baby is no longer a baby. Which to me, is a cause for CELEBRATION! I get 8 hours of sleep every night, can go to the gym in the evenings, and the kids are starting to entertain each other to the point that I probably need a hobby. Great news!

The question is...should we have another baby?

In the not-so-distant past, the Maybe would have been a Hell No. I don't like babies. They are so needy, and they are in your personal space all the time, crying when you are trying to watch Breaking Bad and staying up all night like teenagers. They need to be carried from place to place. And this Maybe would complicate things. We were planning to move the kids into the same room so we could have a playroom, aka a place to dump their crap. A Maybe would need to sleep in the playroom. Our kitchen table fits four people the way it is configured. I guess the Maybe could eat in the living room.  I currently have two hands, one for each kid. I could try to sprout a third, but that sounds like it would take a lot of effort. I definitely need a hand for Lydia, so would that leave Lexi running free? Can she be trusted? If we had a Maybe, would I have any energy to do anything of value? I am so excited for Lydia to turn 3 and to start a little preschool with her this fall. I should be able to school them together. We could go places. It'd be neat. But a Maybe would have morning nap and afternoon nap and it would eat their toys and cry and sap the life out of me. Sounds awful.

Really, I don't want Maybe. I want No Thanks, I'm Good. But I keep feeling this little whisper, this little feeling. Maybe. What If. Is that you, God? Why would He want me to have a third kid? Just to stretch me out of my comfort zone? Because my life is getting too easy for once? Why? I want to just say Thanks For Thinking Of Me, But I'd Prefer Not To. But I also want to be an obedient child to my Heavenly Father. Because he has so richly blessed my life. A lot of things that didn't seem like a good idea in the past *cough*Lexi*cough* have turned out to be amazing blessings. God knows what he is doing. He has plans to prosper me and give me hope and a future, not to harm me.

So, God, what's the plan?

It's your move, I suppose. I will trust you. I will try to give it up to you the best I can.

I hate uncertainty.

Maybe.

Act like you're somebody!

My sweet Grandpa Joe passed away last week. I am going to miss him, but I have lots and lots of good memories of him and I am really glad he is at peace now.

Grandpa had dementia for the last several years of his life, and he just degenerated into a person who was not true Grandpa anymore. I am sad that he is gone but I am so, so happy to picture him in heaven, with his mind and body complete again. I can hear him laughing. I remember many good times but I also imagine he is with his family again and smiling ear to ear like he always was.

Grandpa had several sayings he liked to repeat.

"Is that right?"

"What in the sam hell?"

"What do you know?" (I took this literally as a child and tried to spout off whatever facts I'd crammed in my head that week in school)

and my favorite

"Act like you're somebody!!"

He would say this whenever someone was taking a picture.

Act like you're somebody. I have pondered that phrase repeatedly in the last week. What does it mean to act like you are somebody? What does it mean to be somebody? Who am I? Am I somebody important?

Who am I supposed to be? That is a hard question to answer. In fact, I think most people spend their entire lives trying to determine who they are and what meaning their lives have. I think sometimes we even have to decide who we are not in order to better determine who we are. I struggle trying to figure out God's plan for me- who He wants me to be, what He wants me to do. Right now, I'm a simple stay-at-home-mom who is homeschooling. As my titles announce, I am at home a lot. It's my workplace right now. Last year at this time, I was working at my church, and considering whether that could be something I could do long term. But I felt God calling me back home. Home. It doesn't seem like much and I often struggle, feeling bored or feeling like I could or should be out there having adventures or making a big impact of scores of people.

But that is not my call right now.

Right now, I am a mother to my children. They are little, 5 and 2 1/2. I am the only mom they've got. If I don't mother them and raise them right, who will? I could probably pay to find great daycare. But would that instill all the values I want to cultivate in them? I could probably find part time work in the evenings or weekends or from home. But how would that affect my energy level and my attitude toward my kids? Would I still have time for making sweet memories and enjoying time with them on the weekends when Tim is home? Or would I come home exhausted and want to plop them in front of the TV so I could relax? Sometimes, being home is wonderful. I love days when Lexi is eager to learn, I love hearing her read aloud and knowing that I taught her that, I love snuggling with Lydia and taking them places and doing projects with them. But it's exhausting, frustrating, and sometimes boring. Sometimes my mind is a million miles away in a book, or on Facebook. Sometimes, they do annoying things. Sometimes they make gigantic messes, fight with each other, whine, or want to watch crappy cartoons. Sometimes I don't feel like playing and I want to do my own thing. But I press on, knowing that God has called me home.

I still desire to serve others in greater and more tangible ways. I need to get back into the habit of reading the Bible daily and praying whole-heartedly. I need to plan some meals for us so we aren't eating out of a warm, salty sack. I need to reach out, step out of my house and interact with others in a positive way. I will work on these things.

But for now, I am not just acting like I am somebody. I really AM somebody. I am not anyone particularly exciting, powerful or prestigious. But I am who God made me to be. Today, I am mom. I am wife. I am homemaker. I am somebody.

I hope you're proud, Grandpa. I am trying my best.